Insomnia And Canadian Politics

Having attended more staff meetings than I care to count over the last couple of decades, I am no stranger to boredom. I am, I would say, an expert on the subject, believe me. But nothing is as boring to me as Canadian politics. The very thought of Canadian politics makes staff meetings seem like bungee jumping by comparison. Staff meetings bore me to tears, sure, and quite literally. But Canadian politics bores me very nearly to death.

I know there are people who find Canadian politics fascinating. They are themselves the most boring people on Earth. Nothing about politics in this country comes within a million billion miles of being interesting, so anyone who thinks otherwise should go live on an island somewhere and lead vapid lives of unrelenting tedium until they die and have dull speeches intoned at their dreary funerals.

American politics can be downright fascinating. The USA is the most powerful nation in the world, for heaven's sake. How could the presidency not be of interest to all? Men of tremendous charisma have occupied the oval office, from Lincoln to Kennedy to Clinton, and if Obama gets in, he'll bring a vitality and excitement to the White House that good ol' Bonehead Bush could only dream of. But name me a charismatic Canadian politician other than, arguably, Trudeau, and even he wasn't interesting anymore once he quit saying fuddle-duddle. Chretien had a moment of charisma when he tried to strangle a protestor with his bare hands, and sometimes he'd root around in his pants in public, which I always found tremendously entertaining in a mortifying sort of way, but other than that, are you kidding me? Our prime ministers are so drab they make highschool administrators look like rock stars.

We were forced, in school, to read Canadian history. And I was a dedicated and attentive straight-A student. But one paragraph into any chapter on Canadian history and my head would hit the desk with a THUNK they could hear in other neighbourhoods. I took numerous history courses that featured Canadian politics heavily in the curriculum and this is what I remember now: Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Not a single fact has stayed with me. I am not the least bit embarrassed to say this. I don't WANT that tripe cluttering up my mind.

Oh, they say, but if you actually went to Ottawa to sit in the visitor's gallery in Parliament, then you'd see some really lively stuff. Nonsense. I did once. I went there. I was asleep in nano-moments. The chaperones thought I had narcolepsy. Before the Speaker Of The House, or whatever he's called, had even begun speaking, I was out like the proverbial light. It's a pure self-defense mechanism. There's only so much boredom the human brain can take.

I met the Prime Minister a couple of years ago. Paul Martin (I had to really concentrate just now even to remember his name) came to Burlington to visit a campaign office at the plaza across from the high school where I work. Cool, I thought. I'll go see if I can catch a glimpse of him. This'll be pretty exciting, I figured. So I walked over there, and lo and behold, sure enough, there he was. He strode off the bus and worked his way down a line of people shaking hands. It was winter and I had my hands in the pockets of my jacket. I didn't take them out to shake his hand until he was right in front of me. I saw no RCMP security. Nobody asked me in advance to please take my hands out of my pockets. If that had been the president and my hands had been in my pockets as he approached, the Secret Service would've been on me like Bill on Monica and I would've been picked up and hustled out of there faster than you could've said Ken Starr. But our national security personnel know that Canadian politicians' monotony is their chief protection. They're so boring nobody has ever gotten worked up enough about them to shoot one. If an American gets to shake hands with the president, it's a story he'll tell for the rest of his life to his envious friends and family. I tried telling my story to some friends of mine and they were snoring and drooling in an instant. Some of them fell down and hit their heads. I'm lucky they didn't sue me.

If I ever can't sleep, I just get up and put on the Parliament channel and boom, I'm sawing logs before I can put the remote down. I've nodded off three times just trying to write this blog. Canadian politics are boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, moreso even than a sentence that has the word 'boring' in it six times.

I'm never writing about this again. If I do, please send Chretien over to strangle me.