Exam Bloopers

Marking Alpine piles of exams is not my favourite thing to do. But now and then, amongst all the drivel, one comes across a classic unintentional bit of comedy that lends a moment of joy to the tedium. Following are actual, unretouched bloopers from either a personal essay, a book review or a short story written by actual students on their exams this year. Teenagers are so cute when they think they're being profound. Names have been omitted to protect the innocent ignorant.

"James Frey is the character in the book who plays him in real life."
Wow. That's quite an honour. What more poignant evidence could there be that you have a drug problem than having a character in a book play you in real life? Viewed, of course, through the looking glass.

"He cured Paul from a severe urinal infection and cured Melinda, a good wife of the prison chief, from a brains tumour."
It's tough to be a good wife, especially with a brains tumour, an affliction that clearly has crippled the author of this line. But God. Can you imagine coming down with a urinal infection? I'm never lurking in public washrooms again. Let alone a bus depot, where I might contract a terminal illness.

"She experienced baby-sitting, drugs and racism."
The poor thing. Having to contend with the scourge of narcotics and the evils of racism is bad enough, but baby-sitting? Surely that's too much torment for anyone.

"Carrie White is a shy, ugly, fat, self-confident teenage girl."
Yes, sir. Nothing will boost your self-esteem higher than being shy, fat and ugly. If only she were smelly, too, she'd be on top of the world!

"The three main groups are the brainy acts or the nerds."
Somehow I suspect that the true brainy acts can count a bit better than this.

"Living a life without any boarders is whatever individual truly desires."
I wonder if this author is bedevilled by roomers or by skate-boarders? Whatever.

"She found out that Philip The Driver was killed; Chloe came out with fractional legs. They were charged with felony vehicular manslaughter and found out that they were intoxicated."
I'll bet they were shocked. 'What?!! We were intoxicated?! Do you think it had anything to do with all that drinking we did?' Poor Phil The Driver. He'll have to get a new job now. I wonder what fraction of her legs Chloe is left with? She could sue, perhaps. But she wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

"Rebel or follow society and the rules it sets. I can identify many examples to this thesis statement for those that rebelled and got boned."
Hmmm. I'm still not entirely clear what this 'thesis statement' is. I think it's 'Follow society if you don't want to get boned.' No contest, then. It's a rebel's life for me.

"The cross symbolism refers to the crucifixion of Christ, which occurred, of course, in two thousand BC."
What really makes this one a classic, is, of course, 'of course'. Like it goes without saying that Christ was crucified three thousand years before his birth. And 4008 years later, a descendant of Christ was crucified by his exam mark.

"I started getting the worst headaches ever. I would have to take the maximum amount of Tylenol a day. My mom was getting worried about me, so she took me to the doctor. The doctor told me that I just might be a person that gets headaches."
I went to the doctor once complaining of a broken leg. He theorized that I just might be a person with a broken leg. I thanked him, paid him five hundred dollars for his professional hypothesis and went home to take the maximum amount of Tylenol.

This is my favourite. It's pretty profound:
"Life comes from birth."
Yes, it certainly does. This author evidently received the same training in the obvious that doctors receive. Life, my friends, does indeed come from birth.

Kill me now.