Warnings are standard on all sorts of products. Surely we could thin the human herd by getting rid of the ninnies for whom some are intended. Here are some real ones I saw on a list of ludicrous warning labels and directions, along with some I encountered myself. What's scary is that these warnings wouldn't be on there if somebody hadn't sued and the legal department deemed it prudent to put these caveats right on the package. Each one must have such a bone-headed story behind it.
This was on a jar of peanuts:
PEANUTS
WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS
Remember, when buying a jar of nuts, always make sure to check that there aren't any nuts in it.
And this was a packet of airline peanuts' opening instructions:
1. OPEN PACKET
2. EAT NUTS
I felt so dumb. I'd been eating the nuts and then trying to open the packet with my esophagus.
Lots of salad dressings say SHAKE BEFORE OPENING. I sure wish I'd read the fine print before I spent all those years wiping dressing off the ceiling.
On an iron:
WARNING: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY
You'd have to be in a very big hurry indeed to put your clothes on in the morning and then iron them. Talk about being pressed for time. (I'm going to buy a drum just so I can do my own rimshots.)
On Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR AND OUTDOOR USE ONLY
What, only those two places? Nowhere else? Seems unduly proscriptive to me.
Are you one of those people who require the shampoo instructions that say WET HAIR? What would you do if, like, your boss missed those directions and showed up every day at work with a blob of shampoo in his dry hair? Would you mention it? Or be more discreet? Maybe lure him out in the rain a lot.
I can't recall what the product was for this warning, but it said NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. Kind of makes the other use superfluous, doesn't it? One wonders what the point is of having another use if it can't be used for it.
Do we need the caution on sideview mirrors that OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR? Were drivers getting in accidents while watching smugly for tiny transports on the horizon?
I saw this on a TV dinner foil tray: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT WHEN HEATED. I'm sure glad they told me. How could I possibly have anticipated that something will be hot when heated? I'm suing the city for putting up that metal lamppost I licked this winter. It didn't have a sign alerting me that it would be cold when frozen.
A chainsaw actually had a warning saying DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAINSAW WITH YOUR HANDS. As I say, the frightening thing is that somebody must've tried to do this or the lawyers wouldn't have advised that such a warning be added. I'm sure somebody has sued when he tried to stop one with his feet, too. But he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.
On a bottle of children's cough syrup it said DO NOT INGEST AND DRIVE OR OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY. This is for the protection of the public against crazed tykes all hopped up on syrup, roaring maniacally down the highway in combine harvesters.
Here's my favourite, on a bottle of sleep medication: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. Are you serious? Sleep medication may cause drowsiness? I'm shocked. I only take it when I'm out of amphetamines and I want to stay up for a few days.
I should wrap this up, lest this blog require the warning CAUTION: FURTHER CHEESE AHEAD. But this is the end.
STOP READING NOW.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment