A LIttle Pizza Heaven

When I think of the greatest invention in the history of the world, it isn't the wheel or fire or fibre optics. Clearly it's pizza. What, I ask you, could possibly be more wonderful? If a genie appeared and gave me three wishes, only one of them would be for world peace. The other two would be for pizza.

I remember the first time I had pizza. I was five. My parents opened the box and I was revolted. No way was I going to have any. I couldn't believe how disgusting it looked. But I was hungry, so finally I was persuaded to try a piece. When I had my first bite, my life changed. An eternal love affair sprang to life. I begged for more. I haven't stopped craving it to this day.

In my kitchen closet that I use for storage, there's always a pile of pizza boxes that I've been procrastinating throwing out. I hate to part with them. If you've had gold, you don't like to discard the jewellery box.

I'm not much of a glutton. I try to stay as slim as I can. I eat moderate quantities, generally. But I can down a large pizza in fifteen minutes flat. I turn into some sort of insatiable beast when you put a pizza in front of me. Do I feel like a pig? Nope. In fact, I'm bursting with pride.

Nobody can ever agree on toppings. People's taste in pizza toppings is as variable as fingerprints. Pizza, therefore, is a symbol of the sacred Canadian talent for compromise. Anchovies seem to be the least popular topping. I realize they're basically centipedes. But mmmm. I don't care.
You could put cockroaches on pizza and I'd gobble them up with gusto.

Pizza is like sex. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. I have very rarely had pizza I didn't like. I admit, though, that I'm not real wild about Pizza Pizza pizza, which sucks sucks sucks. But I have been known to order super ultra jumbo-size pizza from places that aren't my favourite pizza joints, strictly on the ground that I got a deal on it. Bad pizza is still a good deal if you get a whole bunch of it for a great price. But everyone seems to agree that Pizza Hut pizza is the best. It's gourmet pizza. They have an all-you-can-eat buffet at a Pizza Hut near me. I pleaded with them to allow me to move in and actually live on the premises. They refused. It was the most heartbreaking letdown of my life.

I love that you can pick up a phone and have steaming hot pizza whisked to your door. I can't think of anything I'd rather open my door and see. The Swedish bikini team, perhaps. But if they were holding pizza, I have to admit I'd admit them a lot faster.

I'd like to go on about the many wondrous delights of pizza, but I'm getting a bit lightheaded. I ordered some a few minutes ago, and I'm holding my breath until it gets here. If I pass out, good. It'll make the wait more bearable. So bye for now.

It's been a slice.