My Secret Sin

It's probably not entirely commendable to admit I'm a fan of the show COPS. It's become the same sort of guilty, unadmitted pleasure known to readers of the Enquirer. But I am, and I just bought the new 20th anniversary dvd set, and I often record the show. I don't go around admitting it to the world, that's all. Only to my loyal blog readers. It's a secret, just between us, okay? Swear?

There was a Canadian version of COPS. It sucked like an imploding star. Its title was the worst in the entire history of television - B.A.C. It stood for Battle Against Crime. That was the best they could come up with. I think they should've just gone ahead and called it WGN for We Got Nothin'. It would've been more honest and a lot less lame.

And it was DULL. First of all, the Canadian cops, in the tried and true Canadian way, were always chiefly concerned with being ultra-polite to the crooks. They were like, "Look, I'm awfully sorry, and I don't mean to be rude, but put your hands behind your back, okay, please, sir? You're under arrest, eh? But we deeply regret it." In the American show, they're civil to the suspects, but you just sense that, if there weren't a camera crew there, 'suspect' would mean 'suspected skull fracture' for the poor purple perp.

And the BAC episodes focussed, as they tend to now with To Serve And Protect, which is only marginally better than BAC, but with a way better title, on the most mundane crimes. Every episode of COPS has high-speed chases and shootouts and robberies and brawls and bloodshed. On the Canadian cops shows, it's usually speeders and college kids partying too loudly and serial litterers. Once, I swear this is true, the little blurb in the TV Guide for COPS said "Domestic violence call; tanker trailer chase; drugstore hold-up" and the ad for BAC said "Cops battle mosquitoes". I nearly emigrated on the spot.

It's an educational show. I've learned a lot watching COPS. I did not know that the vast majority of crimes in America are committed in trailer parks by men without shirts. I didn't realize that all hookers are so rotund and hideous (and, as it turns out in the end, so to speak, male). I didn't know that the standard police question of bystanders is, "Where's he at?" I had no idea that the first command a policeman generally gives an arrestee is, "Put down your beer." (Actually, I guess that last one would probably apply equally to Canadians, except that up here the suspect would've already voluntarily put his down for fear of spilling some.)

A buddy of mine eschews COPS, saying he can't stand to watch, as alleged entertainment, people being busted. (I think his true attitude is probably, "There but for the grace of God go I.") Yet he watches those shows in which camera crews turn up where cheaters are trying to have affairs. And I've never seen anybody more busted than those poor losers.

So yes, I admit it, shoot me with a standard-issue thirty-eight, but I enjoy COPS, okay?

I know, I know. Bad boy, bad boy.

But whatcha gonna do?