Wanted: A Few Good Imbeciles

You know who doesn't get enough respect?

Imbeciles.  

I got ruminating today about imbeciles.  Not any particular imbeciles - my friends, for example - just imbeciles in general. And I've come to a few imbecilic conclusions of the sort that one always feels compelled to share.

In the comic books, if someone is calling you an imbecile, he's always the villain. The good guy never uses that term.  You never hear Superman say to Lex Luther, "Your evil plan for world domination will never succeed, you imbecile."  You must be villainous to use that word or you just sound rude.

But he isn't talking to the good guy. Because neither will you hear Doc Octopus say to Spiderman, "Victory is mine, you imbecile."  He'd call him Webbed Will-O'-The-Wisp or something. Standard name-calling doesn't cut it with an arch-nemesis; you have to make that extra creative effort.

No, if the villain is calling anyone an imbecile, it's his henchmen.

"How could you let him get away, you imbeciles?" is the sort of thing you'll hear a villain say. 

A villain's staff is comprised primarily of imbeciles.  The 'Henchmen Wanted' ad says 'Only Imbeciles Need Apply'. 

So it's not like they don't already know they're imbeciles.  It's just that, being imbeciles, they need reminding.

But it's hard to get good imbeciles anymore.

You would think it would be easy, because they're everywhere.  

Every time I'm in line at the supermarket, there's some imbecile ahead of me who wants to pay by cheque, and waited until her purchases were rung up before commencing the lengthy search for the chequebook, and then, as a brilliant afterthought,  for a pen, rather than rooting around for them earlier when she was still in line.  

And if you drive, you know that virtually everyone else on the road is in your way or a hazard.  Everywhere you look, it's tortoises and maniacs.  The only one operating a motor vehicle correctly is you. 

The reason?  They're all imbeciles.

But nowadays, any villain will tell you they don't make imbeciles like they used to.  All you can get now is screw-ups.  And that's just not the same. 

Besides, "After him, you screw-ups!" doesn't sound nearly as good as "After him, you imbeciles!"

Mind you, not all imbeciles are out in the open.  Sometimes it's not so obvious right away. Many women fall for men who seem utterly charming and later turn out to be imbeciles. 

And there are few things in life as disappointing as the surprise imbecile.

Now, at this point, I can hear my many disappointed readers clamouring pleadingly, "Wrap it up, you imbecile!"  

Very well.  It would be evil of me to torment you further. Villainous, even.

But if you come across any good imbeciles, send them my way, will you?  

I grow short of henchmen.