On Horsewhipping

My topic today is horsewhipping.

I think it's time, as a society, that we gave horsewhipping a serious second look. I think it's ready for a comeback and that it would have the full support of the people. If I were running for office, I would campaign on a pro-horsewhipping ticket and I would win by a landslide. It's what we need in these uniquely troubled times.

Even if it were ineffective, it would at least give the appearance of justice. The Enron executives, Bernie Madoff and all the silk-suited fat-cats whose monstrous greed has the economic system teetering on the brink of collapse should be horsewhipped at once on CNN. Nobody disagrees with that. OJ Simpson should be horsewhipped twice daily for 11-hour periods. Rod Blagojovich should be forced to horsewhip himself with a crooked whip. The very heinousness of their offenses cries out for it.

But some people should be horsewhipped just on general principles. Donald Trump should be horsewhipped, and that thing on his head horsewhipped separately, just for being so Trumpish all the time. The Red Hot Freakin' Chili Peppers should be horsewhipped until they don't feel like touring. The fiends who designed the impenetrable plastic on dvd cases are desperately in need of horsewhipping, people who stand in line in front of me at the bank for twenty minutes and only start rooting around in their purses for their chequebooks when they're at the teller should be horsewhipped, lightly if they're elderly but insistently, until they get a clue, and horsewhipping for all who like rap needs to be made immediately mandatory. The Jonas Brothers would benefit tremendously from being horsewhipped directly on their purity rings.

The Bush Doctrine of the pre-emptive strike might've made the world a more dangerous place to live but it makes good sense in the case of horsewhipping. It should be legal to horsehip members of Congress and Parliament and roughly thirty percent of teenagers just in case they do something. There are certain people in everyone's workplace who are such tedious conversationalists that it would be useful as a deterrent to be able to horsewhip them as soon as they launch into a story. How many lives would be saved if we could horsewhip bad drivers before they got into their cars?

As you can see, I basically just like saying the word horsewhip. It's funnier to me than most things. Not that there's anything funny about whipping horses, mind you. (I wish particularly to emphasize this to my friend Kim who will horsewhip me for writing this.) I just have some peculiar sort of comedic weakness for the word. It cracks me up every time I type it. Horsewhip, horsewhip, horsewhip.

I don't know. Something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. If I had any dignity, I would probably suggest that I be horsewhipped, but I lack the courage.

I do hope, though, that you enjoyed today's dissertation on horsewhipping.

If you didn't, you shouldn't be horsewhipped. It wouldn't do to horsewhip a reader.

You should be prodded with sharp spurs, however.

And your stall only rarely changed.