The End Of My Frozen Rope

I had already freakin' had it with this winter. It's been brutal. Unrelenting. Endless. I hate winter anyway. It's a stupid, useless season. If you don't play hockey or toboggan or ski or snowmobile or icefish or any of the other ridiculous northern pastimes that don't make winter suck the slightest bit less, it's nothing but five long months of torment. My winter activity is shivering. That's it. And studies have now conclusively proven that it is scientifically impossible to be cold and have fun at the same time.

But this winter especially. My dear, sweet God. What did we do to deserve this? Unbroken MONTHS of non-stop cold. Towering mountains of snow. Winds that slice like knives the livelong day after day after DAY. Ice-encrusted sidewalks whose navigation is impossible without walking at glacial speed, flat-footed, like a frigid Arctic octogenarian. It's beyond my capacity to endure another moment.

So imagine my delight when the forecast said today would be an incredible FIFteen degrees!

I didn't believe it, naturally. Poppycock hogwash, I figured. (Another fine name for a band - ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for EMI recording artists Poppycock Hogwash!)

But lo, it actually came to pass! Finally, finally, finally! And at lunch today I went outside with my spring coat on to gambol to and fro like a springtime lamb of joy! I was deliriously happy! It had been a long, long, long time coming, this day of deliverance, and I was savouring every sweet, blessed moment of it. I returned to my afternoon classes refreshed, rejuvenated and relieved.

And after school was over, I raced outside excitedly for some more ecstatic glee. Straight into a ferocious North Pole wind that froze me solid in two steps flat. It was incredible! Something called a 'Colorado Low' had swept in causing the temperature to drop TWENTY DEGREES in TWO HOURS! It's unprecedented! It's monstrous cruelty! It's literally beyond belief! I nearly screamed with the horror and shock of it! It's like poking yourself in the eye for five long months, over and over, over and over, until one day they say, hey, you can stop poking now. Here are some soothing eye drops for your poor sore retinas. And you put the drops in your eyes, and for a while it feels soothing, and then it turns to battery acid. I was a bitter, bitter man today. That's why they call it bitter cold.

So I've had it. I will not stand it another day. I've reached the end of my icicle. Tomorrow, if it isn't warm, I'm going nuclear. I'm literally going to blow my atomic top and let the fireball warm the atmosphere. This is my plan. A personal radioactive holocaust of protest. Enough is ENOUGH, for heaven's sake! I'm going to blow like a Hiroshiman volcano.

The wind blows, after all.

It certainly, totally does.

And I'll tell you something else. Colorado can BITE me.